How can I truly love you?

I almost fell out of my seat when he asked

“How can I truly love you?”, he asked.
I was mute, unable to formulate any answers. I almost fell out of my seat. A light bulb had gone off in my head. What do I say? How do I respond? I was at a loss for words. I turned down the volume of my car stereo to truly reflect on what this podcast host had asked his guest.

Our societal norms and cultural narratives have shaped a very specific notion of love. A love that is created and nurtured for feelings. It’s all about feeling those butterflies in your stomach, that rush of excitement when you are with someone you choose to love. But the moment those butterflies start feeling more like regular old bugs, we have a bug problem. We leave to find new gardens. This cyclical pursuit of love is predicated on the expectation of reciprocity; we extend our affection with the hope of equal return. We love those who love us in return, and when we dare to love without assurance, the absence of reciprocal affection then leads us to withhold our love in a blend of disappointment and resentment.

“Come on, get real. Love has to go both ways. Stop living in a world of fantasy!”. I hear that! I acknowledge these voices, these prevalent admonitions, and the collective outcry. They truly paint a picture of a world deeply scarred by a deficiency of love that it withholds its love until our transactions are profitable, or at least we don’t lose.

But love, my dear, is made full when we accept the ‘other’ for what and who they are, recognizing their essence is the exact same essence as you. Oh, isn’t it so painful when we try to make others love us? Isn’t it so painful when we try to shape them and yet they don’t fit into our self-imagined mould? We imagine this perfect version of someone, try to push them into it, and then feel crushed when they can’t or won’t fit. It’s a tough pill to swallow, realizing that love isn’t about molding someone into our ideal. It’s about loving them as they are, imperfections and all.

But then who created perfection and who created imperfection? Aren’t these attributions created by the self-serving ego in its dualistic character. For the ego, perfection is a binary and imperfection is one notch down from perfection.

In Carl Roger’s book, A Way Of Being, he expresses, “One of the most satisfying feelings I know — and also one of the most growth-promoting experiences for the other person — comes from my appreciating this individual in the same way that I appreciate a sunset. People are just as wonderful as sunsets if I can let them be. In fact, perhaps the reason we can truly appreciate a sunset is that we cannot control it. When I look at a sunset as I did the other evening, I don’t find myself saying, ‘Soften the orange a little on the right hand corner, and put a bit more purple along the base, and use a little more pink in the cloud color.’ I don’t do that. I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch it with awe as it unfolds. I like myself best when I can appreciate my staff member, my son, my daughter, my grandchildren, in this same way.”

We can easily be trapped into projecting outward without realizing the other side of this perceptual position is the same thing. I don’t see how possible it is to truly love the ‘other’ without loving yourself. Loving one’s self holds the exact same formula: it is the full acceptance of one’s self. If you don’t even know how to accept yourself, how can you know how to accept others? Like the other scenario, the ego pops its head out thinking that loving one’s self is about scales of perfection. Love says, “what you are and who you are is just perfect. No need to change!”

It is in the acceptance of ourselves for ourselves without the need to change anything that true change erupts from — painlessly, graciously. This love then expands to our neighbors and to the world. Suddenly, we see the world as perfect. It is exactly the way it is because it is the way it is. Our assertion for change softens and then wisdom takes center stage, polishing the rough edges of the world and making it better one corner at a time.

“How can I truly love you?” was the last thing I heard from that podcast. But Love has been the very first thing I have known. Out of Love did I find expression in form. All along it was my misunderstanding of Love that made me search for it in the wrong places. It was my recognition of Love that made me realize I was it all along!